The Turkey Whisperers in The Mailman Always Rings Like Eleven Times

Dearest friends and smokeheads...voting begins today on what will no doubt be our springboard to international BBQ stardom. Please head over to Honeysuckle White's Take on Turkey and vote for us and our Thanksgiving Burger video. We promise when we win and are retired on the beaches of South America that we will not forget you, the humble reader. We might forget you, but we wont forget YOU.

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Thanks for your support. We really appreciate you reading the blog.

~El Smokeador~

The Sandwich that should have never been....but then for some reason was somehow.

(Don't look directly into it...)

The words "wicked awesome" are thrown around a lot these days. Not really, I guess.

Anyway, I made a sandwich the other day that you WOULD NOT BELIEVE! I was hungry on Sunday night and there was no sort of dinner planned, so I raided the pantry/fridge and I ended up with pure magic. Here begins the story:

Last week was a good culinary week, and there were lots of fantastic ingredients laying around. I will list them and tell the story of each ingredient. Remember them, because at the end I'm going to put them all in sandwich form. If you can image each ingredient indiviudally in your mind then you'll have a better understanding of how good this sandwich really was.

1) Scratch Made Roasted Garlic Rolls

(Imagine the smell)

StephSmoke got a Kitchen Aid for her birthday and it smells like a bakery almost every Sunday at her house. She was nice enough to give me some homeade roasted garlic rolls. (She made them the same day I made my sandwich) Super fresh and delicious and filled with roasted garlic. Absolutely amazing. Thats rosemary on top. It smelled like rosemary. Close your eyes and imagine the smell of fresh baked bread mixed with earthy roasted garlic and rosemary. Culinary high five!

2) Fresh Basil/Cashew Pesto

(looks like goop, tastes like good)

Uhhhh, I have a pretty awesome herb garden. I'm kind of a big deal. I mean...people know my garden. Famous people. Carbon Footprint. Urban Guerrila Gardening. Hybrid Cars. Solar powered zero point energy, but I digress. A few days back from the sandwich date (SD -3) I made an unbelievable fresh basil pesto. Pesto is herbs, in this case basil, and pine nuts, in this case cashews, and garlic and olive oil and salt and pepper. All mixed up in a blender. Its like The Rock of flavor. I mean the wrestler the Rock. But more like 1999 The Rock. Not Disney The Rock.

3) Grey Poupon and Itasca Texas Chevre

(this is where flavor is)

I had gone to the Fort Worth Saturday Farmers Market (which is awesome) and got some goat cheese made in Itasca. I dont know how to describe the flavor but I'll try: wicked awesome . The Dijon mustard came from France I'm assuming.

4) Blurry Tomatoes

(tomatoes are a fruit)

I also bought some tomatoes at the farmer's market. Parker County. I also got these minitaure peaches from the same guy. Awesome.

5) Hass Avocado

(Avocaodos from Target.)

I'm sorry that there is not a good story to go along with these avocados. Did you know that all Hass avocados originate from a single tree!? Its the truth.

6) Toaster

(I own a toaster)

7) Slow Smoked, applewood roasted, duck fat braised Turkey. Or just packaged turkey. Its all I had. Don't get all high and mighty on me Geoff Zakarian.

(Turkey in a Bag)

Again no story here....but Turkey is good. Especially when you heat it up in a pan prior to adding to the sandwich with a little butter and some fresh thyme. Again I have an herb garden......Renewable Energy.

ASSEMBLY:

Avocado on Toast

Added the Pesto

Added the Turkey

Sliced tomatoes next

Mustard and Chevre next

I finished it up with some Sabbanna Blend, which is my Dad's homeade BBQ rub. I went to Pendrey's with him when he bought all of the ingredients, but I cannot even begin to tell you what all goes into it, or in what amounts, but I know it had smoked hungariqn paprika, chili de arbol, garlic powder, onion powder, mustard, salt, brown sugar, fresh ground pepper etc etc. Its awesome. Its not for sale....YET.

(Sabbanna Blend - mixed by hand on the banks of the Sabbanna River in Commanche County, Texas)

Almost there:

Final Product:

(Oh' Sookie!)

Let me be serious for one second here. Top 11 sanwiches of my entire life. Imagine all of that good stuff all rubn up on each other in one delicious sandwich. Yes!!!!!!!!!!!! Victory was had!!! I wish you all could have been there to try it. All seven of you. Yes...even you there in the red shirt.

We've got a giveaway contest coming soon! Minatuar Legs! Etc!

-SmokeHopper

Winning Guest Post!

Thanks so much to Ishmael for this awesome post! He is the Winner! BOOOM Kapow! Welcome to the WinnerDome! Thanks to everyone who entered. We will be contacting others with guest post requests soon! Thanks for reading!

So without further adieu....

Cedar Plank Rockfish

Call me Ishmael. (I’ve been called worse … today even.) In the land of El Smokeador y Smokehopper, everyone needs an alias. What follow’s is Ishmael’s tale of fish conquered, grilled and eaten. Let’s do this.


I like to do things in reverse. This story ends – and begins – with fresh rockfish, having been grilled on cedar planks. And with that mouth-watering teaser, I realize you already desperately want to know how to copy my magic. Read on. There is no shame if you are overcome with awe – I’ve most certainly had that effect on better men than you. (Right, Smokehopper?)






Take a look at those pictures. Study them. Second, you better believe that’s real charcoal. No briquets or propane or other girly-man cooking methods; Ishmael throws down old school. First, you’ll want to soak the planks for a few hours in advance, and get a good, hot fire going. Finally, once that’s complete, it takes no time at all until your fish is perfectly done – white, moist, flaky and no risk of burning from the charcoal below. Stay with me here, we’re moving fast and not always in a straight line. You’ll be okay.

And you know Ishmael (that’s me, remember, aka ODB, aka Dirt McGirt, aka “The Fishmonger” … okay, I just made that last one up, but I think it sounds cool anyway) keep’s the cuisine fresh and simple. Bring on the fish. (Where did you get the fish, you ask? Patience, grasshopper, and all will be revealed in time as we skip backwards towards many revelations.) Rinse the filets, and pat them dry. A sprinkle of Old Bay – you’re cooking on the Eastern Shore of Maryland now, folks, so get used to it and embrace our customs – and just a touch of fresh-ground Himalayan salt. (Frankly, if you’re still using regular table salt for your cooking, you are excused to go visit Red Lobster or Long John Silver’s. Go ahead. Good riddance, really.)

Now buckle your seatbelts, ‘cause I’m about to pump another 1.21 gigawatts through the flux capacitor as we go back a bit further in time to the very genesis of this grand experiment …


That’s right: It’s morning, and I'm on a boat (sing along, if you know the tune). Even better: it’s not my boat. Ishmael might be a charming wordsmith capable of challenging Smokehopper’s culinary commentary, but he’s also a cheap ol’ dirty bastard who’s always up for a free fishing trip and not ashamed to say it.

As stated before (or later? this time travel storytelling is confusing even to a man of Mensa intellect) it’s okay to be jealous of me and my wily charm; you’ll get used to it. You see, grilling up some nice, fresh rockfish fillets for dinner is the reward for life on the Chesapeake Bay. All told, it was another tough day at the office, as you can see. (Tomorrow I’m off to film another Dos Equis commercial – it is a blessing and a curse to be the most interesting man in the world.)

Sadly, our journey into the past has served its purpose and we must now transition Back to the Future. So, how’d the cedar plank rockfish taste? Let me assure you that planks almost always provide a reliable, easy and tasty alternative to shake up your backyard barbeque routine. Stock up on grilling planks in advance at the local hardware store, or at specialty stores for a better selection … they are excellent for cooking a righteous pork tenderloin, among other uses. In fact many fish – salmon being a great example – are really excellent off of a plank, which imparts a subtle smoke and guarantees a moist, indirect heat.

Unfortunately, today revealed that rockfish may be the exception to this rule, it’s flavor being just a bit too mild. My masterpiece looked excellent and cooked up perfectly done (no, I’m not showing the picture again – time travel your ass back to the top of this post and refresh your memory if necessary). But, just as I used my manly musculature to bully that fish from the sea, the planks and charcoal similarly overpowered the filets with a bit too much smoky flavor. It wasn’t bad – I ate it anyway (there was no plan B for dinner). But it could have been better. It should have been better. Dammit.

We now return to your regularly scheduled broadcast with El Smokeador y Smokehopper.

Ishmael out.

Contest Is Over

Winner has been selected and the post will be up soon. Thanks to everyone for contributing. We will be doing this again soon.

Look for a huge update/post in the coming weeks.

Contest Update

We have already received several entries from qualified contestants. All it takes to qualify is sending an email with your submission to elsmokeador at gmail dot com. The deadline for submitting your entry is going to be this coming Sunday at midnight. That is June 6th at 11:59. Monday will work as well. Maybe even tuesday if you have something but havent had time to write it up yet. Let us know.

- El Smokeador

Guest Posting Contest!

SmokeHeads,

As was mentioned a few posts ago, we are now holding our first Guest Posting Extravaganza Contest for Winners and Losers Alike!!!! Get ready for HUGE CASH PRIZES and NO CASH PRIZES! (there are no cash prizes)

Here are the rules:

1) Take a picture of some food you have cooked.

2) Write a little paragraph about how you made it.

3) Email it to elsmokeador(at)gmail(dot)com

Thats it.

We will pick the one (or two) most creative and/or most delicious and/or most smoketastic entries and contact you regarding the guest post. What we are looking for, is food that emulates the style and charisma of http://elsmokeadorysmokehopper.blogspot.com/ (whatever that is). Foods can range from BBQ to Kimchi. (From BBQ to Kimchi is the name of our first cook book.)

Here is a picture of a dolphin:

Lets Get Crackin People!

-El Smokeador y SmokeHopper

p.s. There may be a hat in it for someone. Also, no one has gone out and found the BBQ rub yet. Uhhh....there is only one hat left so...somebody needs to do something quick! Dolphin Quick! (the name of our band)

Picnic One Trillion

Its Spring time People! Lets get outside and do some stuff. You...you on the Couch! Get out there and be somebody. Punch nature in the face and take exactly zero prisoners while doing so. You may be wondering how to do this on a limited budget. The Answer is picnicking...TOO THE EXTRME. But really just going on a picnic will qualify.

For my picnic meal I chose to make BLT's. But after I went to the store to shop for the B the L and the T, I saw some other good stuff and decided to make BATAMO's. Which of course is a Bacon-Arugula-Tomato-Avocado-Mayo-Onion sandwich.

For my picnic destination I chose the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens because it is (1) awesome and (2) within walking distance. Anyway, we cooked some stuff prior to departure, and we assembled the rest on the garden grounds. Keep reading if you want to know more about this. I assume this is why you are reading a blog. This is what blog reading is.

Step 1: Buy some quality food gold (aka bacon). This is Cherrywood smoked bacon. I didn't buy Applewood smoked bacon because when I looked at it in the butcher's case, it reminded me of an Applebee's ad. Way too much talk about applewood smoked bacon these days. I mean, I bet its good but...you know. I'm just sayin.

I cooked it in the oven for a while and took it out and let it cool. There are no ovens in the wild, so you have to cook it before hand.

Step 2: Make Mayo. If you don't know how to make mayo, its time to get with the picture. Its roughly twelve parsecs better than store bought mayo. But truthfully, store bought isn't bad, but if you have the ingredients sitting around, oil, lemon, vinegar...then I just make it. Thats what I say. (Note that raw egg is dangerous . They have special pasteurized eggs you can use to avoid this danger.)

Chop up some tarragon.

Mix it up in the Mayo.

Now you have tarragon Mayo. POW.

Next, you have to toast the bread. These rolls that I bought were like little bowling balls. I took out 88% of the bread and toasted it. I show you the empty bacon grease pan next to the untoasted bread, because the bread surface may have taken a trip through the cherrywood smoked bacon grease prior to going under the boiler. (it did) Toast until thoroughly toasted.

Next, make homemade cream of mushroom soup. Definitely don't get it from central market. Its just way too delicious and easy to do that.

(I bought this at Central Market.)

Next, put these things in a bag, grab a knife a cutting board etc.

Heres the full load we packed up. Note the arugula, strawberries, rose sparling wine, orange juice, and the thermos with the soup. Note them because they are there.

Get a Picnic blanket.

Start Hiking.

We chose a spot not far from these trees. Pretty secluded. Not too crowded. Not too much sun, not too much shade. We pretty much found the goldilocks zone of picnic spots. I'm actually starting another blog solely dedicated to the picking of picnic spots. It'll be ready next never.

The Picnic:

Have some soup because you're hungry and you deserve it.

Make a Mimosa because you're thirsty and you deserve it. By the way, I got rose' sparkling wine at the store instead of champagne because they were all out of the little champagnes. I was a little worried about how this would mix with the orange juice and I must tell you that it turned out wicked awesome. I may never go back to standard mimosas ever again.

(its cool to drink mimiosas...right?)

Assemble Sandwich as follows. I assembled them upside down for some reason. Anyway at the top goes the tarragon mayo, then the arugula, then the tomato, then the red onion. I put more red onions on there than is shown.

Then the food gold.

Then the avocado on the base.

Press hard, and split.

POW POW POW POW.

Eat it all up and lay back and snooze in the sun.

This is the last thing I saw before I fell asleep.

Thanks for reading everyone! Yeeehawwww!!!!

Also much more to come very soon. A guest blog contest is in the works, and we may have tracked down some minotaur meat. Stay Tuned!

Also I don't want to hear any bullpoot about how I made a sandwich and put it on the blog. It was a great sandwich!

-SmokeHopper